An Old Story, Retold

Once there was an old woman who died, but before being allowed into Heaven had to have the "big" interview with St. Peter.

While the woman was all excited to enter Heaven, St. Peter had to tell "to hold her horses." It seems, St. Peter told her, that while he was reviewing her life, he noticed that while she had never done anything bad, well, she hadn't done anything good either.

"I'm sorry," St. Peter told the old woman, "But to get into heaven, you have to have done something good."

And with that, the woman was sent to Hell.

While there, she was obviously quite sad, not to mention uncomfortable, and daily thought back through her entire life, for she was sure that she must have done at least one kind, good act.

Finally, one day, she did in fact remember such an act and called out to St. Peter, who approached within listening distance...

Upon seeing St Peter, the old woman shouted out that she could indeed remember one good act that she had done, and when asked by St Peter, she related that once, when a cold, hungry man came to her house asking for food, she had given him an onion.

Well, St. Peter was a bit surprised by this, and not wanting to say anything regarding her "gift," conceeded that there had in fact been some grain of kindness in her granting the hungry man the onion. So he told the old woman, "Fine, you can come up here to Heaven, but you have to understand, that I can't go down there to Hell to get you. But this is what I'll do, I'll lower my hand down, with this onion in it, and all you have to do is hold onto that onion, and I'll pull you out."

Of course the woman agreed.

So St. Peter lowered his hand down, and the old woman grasped tightly upon the onion, as St. Peter began to slowly pull her out.

Well, it appears that one of the condemned souls next to the old woman saw what was happening, and figured that this was a good way to escape Hell also, so he latched on to her leg. Before the woman could shake off the poor soul, another soul who was watching from a distance came running and caught her other leg. And before you could say "Bob's your uncle," the word got out through all of Hell that the old woman was about to escape, and pretty soon there was a big gaggle of souls all grasping and clutching onto her as St. Peter continued to steadily pull her higher and higher.

Soon, there wasn't a single soul in Hell that wasn't in some way holding on to the old woman, all with the same intent to escape. The old woman looking down could see thousands and thousands of souls holding on to her, all of them seeking to escape Hell, just as she.

And then something just cracked inside the woman.

She became angry, even though St. Peter was still able to pull her higher. And in a fit of rage, looking at all these souls latched on to her, the old woman shouted, "Let go! This is my onion!"

And, St. Peter, hearing these words let go of the onion, and the old woman fell back into Hell.